Back Story
by Self-Taught
Summary: Castle is there for the story. This fills in the void between Beckett's rookie days and becoming a detective. Good background for Heat Rises. Set in season 3 prior to Knockout. No Josh.
1. I Sleep With A Gun

**Back Story**

**Summary: **Castle is there for the story. This "Back-Story" fills the void between Beckett's rookie days and becoming a detective.

**Author's Note: **Everything about vice procedure was made up. Heed the T rating because of topics from Beckett's days working vice. No smut or graphic details but the themes are adult.

**Setting: **3rd season (Montgomery is captain.) No spoilers. Slightly AU because Josh is out of the picture and Martha's acting school is up and running. Knockout (3rd season finale) hasn't happened yet.

**The usual disclaimer: **All credit and gratitude is given to Andrew Marlowe who allows us to play with his creation. Appreciation to the cast for their inspiration and being such wonderful people outside their characters.

**Dedication: **Dedicated to those who protect and serve and make a stand against evil. I don't know how you do it, but you have my gratitude.

**I Sleep with a Gun**

The case closed in the darkest hours of the night. The stakeout paid off, but not until the bars closed and the dregs of society staggered back to their holes to sleep away the despondence. Beckett gave Ryan and Esposito the primary spot to watch, and they got to arrest Emmanuel Daniels for murder. Hopefully the gun he carried would be a match to the murder of the young man who got in debt too deep with the bookie. Even if it didn't, they had enough evidence to put him away.

Detective Kate Beckett made a deal with the guys that they did the bust and then got to sleep in. She'd do the paperwork and cover until noon. She tried to bargain with her partner to go home hours earlier, but he claimed the opportunity of being confined in a car with her was better than being asleep in bed on Turkish sheets of decadent softness. It was further proof something was really very wrong with Richard Castle.

The author talked endlessly to pass the time. In the process he weaseled out of her a few previously unknown tidbits, and he made her smile with his humor. He shared a few funny stories about fans, and she got a few hints about how much fun he had being a playboy. He kept up the conversation to keep her awake because their coffee ran out hours ago.

"Do you miss your glory days?" she asked with a smirk as they drove towards her apartment.

"Are you implying I am past my prime?" His mock indignation was convincing.

"You have an unattractive alternative before you. Either admit you don't behave that way because of physical aging, or admit you don't want to act that way because you've mentally aged." She loved trapping him and seeing which way he'd go.

"My dear detective, I believe my glory days are still ahead of me. I will act with _lusty abandon_, but it will be with _one_ lucky woman, and I am waiting to see if there is a woman extraordinary enough to handle me for the rest of my days." He wiggled his eyebrows and a grin lit up his features.

Beckett was laughing so hard she almost missed a turn. "You are so richly entertaining! Are you sure you want to put up with more of my abuse and crash on my couch instead of going home now?"

He nodded, happy to have the chance to spend as much time with her as possible. He planned to make her breakfast in the morning. "It is too late to have any chance of finding a cab and there is no way I am letting you drive past your apartment to take me home. Now if you want to spend the rest of the night at my loft instead…" He left the innuendo hanging.

"I really don't think you want Martha having any more false hopes about why I keep coming around." She hit close to home with her rebuttal.

"Hey, there is no such thing as _false_ hope. All _hope_ is good by definition." True to form, the author responded to the oxymoron but not the larger issue.

Her response was spared by a timely arrival at her apartment. She made the conversation get practical. "Here is a blanket and pillow. Remember, Castle, I sleep with a gun." It was a running joke.

He gave a charming smile and his standard retort, "Rest well, detective. I am here to protect you."

They both smiled and parted for the night. She retreated to her bedroom and closed the door. He spread out his blanket on the couch.

Castle wasn't ready to fall asleep just yet. He slept late this morning, but he knew how exhausted Beckett was. He kept quiet but wanted to check out her books. The woman had an infuriating way of staying well read, and he found their taste in literature compatible. He cursed at the small noises he made as he selected a title from her collection and settled down on the couch to speed read.

He paused and listened. Only 20 minutes had passed since he began the book, but a small sound distracted him. He got up and listened at her bedroom door. _A muffled sob? _It came again, louder this time. _No, it was more like a cry for help…_ Castle quietly opened the door and saw Beckett, still dressed in black, asleep on top her covers. She was in the middle of a night terror.

The light from the other room was enough to make Beckett's eyes fly open as she instinctively grabbed for her weapon. She pointed it at the intruder without thinking.

"Sorry Beckett, I shouldn't have opened your door but…"

"**Shut up**! I vowed if I ever saw you again, I'd send you straight to hell, Danny Manny." Beckett's voice was cold and low.

"Whoa, Kate! It's me: Castle." He realized the light coming from behind him put his face into a shadow.

"Don't move or _**I will kill you**_. Hands over your head." She kept her aim steady and never moved from the bed.

Her exhaustion was keeping her half asleep. Castle raised his voice. "Detective Beckett, **snap out of it! **It's me, your plucky sidekick. Everything is ok. I'm **Richard Castle**, your devoted partner." He kept his hands raised and stood very still even as he saw the realization finally dawn on Beckett's face.

"Oh God!" She checked to make sure the safety was on and put the firearm down quickly, still staring at Castle who had his hands in the air. The horror of the situation forced her into moving. She rushed to him and physically pulled his arms back to his sides. "Rick, I'm so sorry…" She threw her arms around him and apologized again.

Castle was taken back by the incident, but even more so by how upset Beckett was. Her voice was raspy. Tears threatened to spill from those beautiful green eyes and she refused to meet his gaze. Castle was starting to feel really bad for her. "Hey, it's ok. You warned me you sleep with a gun." He wrapped his arms around her.

"That's no excuse. I should never have reacted like that. You never point a weapon where you aren't in total control! Rick, I'll never forgive myself for this." She buried her head against him, drinking in his presence as if she would never see him again.

"Hey, I should never have come into your room. This is my fault." He tried to comfort her by downplaying the incident.

Beckett shook her head and refused to look at him. "This is entirely my fault. I know better than to let _you_ be here."

He wanted to make sure he heard correctly. "It is me specifically that shouldn't be here?" It was a veiled question that other men had been with her, but she didn't want him here? Castle was scared for the first time. His heart was in more danger than his body had ever faced.

She belatedly realized how it sounded. "I should never have let you wonder around out there. I know what you're like. I am obviously too tired to be responsible with a loaded gun."

Whether she referred to the actual firearm or the author was unclear. This was the kind of thing that made Beckett put up walls and he wanted to counter it. "You can make it up to me. Let me have the other side of the bed and then I won't have to break into your room. I promise there won't be any funny business."

She searched his face for a quick minute and then nodded. Without another word she led him into the room and crawled back in bed.

She gave in way too easy and Castle followed fully intending on staying on the far side of the mattress. He needed to show her he was worthy of a greater presence in her life. When he settled down and never touched her, she rolled away leaving her back to him. All his resolve went out the window when he heard an involuntary sniffle.

He scooted over to her side of the bed and hoped his sophomoric humor would help. "I've trapped you and now I am trying to figure out what to do with you. Any suggestions?" She didn't answer so Rick put arm over her and brushed her cheek. As expected, it was wet from a tear. Her torment distracted him from the warmth and scent of being so close to her. This isn't how he wanted to end up in Beckett's bed.

He whispered to her. "I burst into your room and you grabbed your weapon to defend yourself. It's not a tragedy that you didn't instantly distinguish between friend and foe."

"It is a tragedy and could have been so much worse." She whispered the words and kept her back towards him.

"I'm the writer who is supposed to make up the what-if scenarios. Stop beating yourself up and please stop acting like I am a reminder of a dirty little secret you want to forget. I can guess how your mind is working. In the morning you'll start slowly pushing me away and I'll never be this close to you again. You are exhausted. Please just sleep."

He stroked her arm and kissed the top of her head before he scooted back to the center of the bed. Beckett was strong willed, and she was going to do what she wanted no matter what he said, did, or didn't do. After a few minutes she rolled over close to him. Her wordless action spoke for her. He tried to put her at ease, "Remember, it's my job to protect you even when you're sleeping."

She may have rolled her eyes, but she relaxed as he embraced her.

Castle held her tenderly. No caresses. No kisses. No distractions from the monumental shift in their non-existent romance. He knew Kate was giving him an invitation to get away with anything. He hoped she was pleasantly surprised by his intent. What he wanted to give her was something she probably hadn't experienced since she was a little girl. He wanted to be her nightlight. He wanted her to sleep peacefully. "Rest well, detective," he whispered.

He stayed awake as long as possible to watch over her. This was the deeper test of Beckett's trust. It was harder for her to mask her vulnerabilities while she slept. Previous boyfriends so rarely spent an entire night with her that exhaustion, whether caused by schedules or sex, meant that they fell asleep and left her alone even if their limbs were entwined. Falling asleep while Richard Castle watched over her required a special kind of trust. It remained to be seen if creepy stares during the day turned into happy endings behind closed eyelids.


	2. Curiosity Killed the Cat

** Curiosity Killed the Cat**

Nothing disturbed Kate Beckett's slumber so her knight protector succumbed to sleep once the sun rose to beat back the darkness. When he woke he was alone and in an unfamiliar bedroom. It took a few seconds to remember the late night escapades. Immediately he called out for her, "Beckett?"

Richard Castle got up quickly and looked around. By the coffee pot was a note for him. "_Hey sleepy head. You need your beauty rest so I didn't wake you. I would tell you to go home and not come in today, but you would read too much into that statement. Let me try to order you not to come in until noon when the guys will report to work. There is a key by your coffee cup so you can lock up."_

It wasn't signed and it was all very Beckett like. He reread it a few times and was satisfied. Alone in Beckett's apartment was a temptation, but the only familiarity he allowed himself was the enjoying the coffee and straightening her bed.

He went home to shower and change. Thoughtfully he chose a light blue shirt as his armor. It wasn't a shade designed to bring out his eyes; rather it meant to inspire feelings of loyalty. He detoured to buy lunch for the two of them on the way to the precinct. He vowed to keep his demeanor light and give her no cause to push him away.

"What kind of food did you decide I am in the mood for today?" she asked when she smelled her lunch coming closer.

_Is this a test, _he wondered? _Will she pick a fight about whatever I brought? Is she annoyed I didn't ask? _"I brought comfort food: burger and fries from Remy's." He scanned for her reaction.

Whatever he brought would be a favorite of hers. He knew her too well to err. It was a becoming a staple of the new Castle - perfectly innocent actions full of subtext. She smiled at the choice and accepted his offering.

Castle stayed out of her way as she put the finishing touches on the case file so she could hand it over to prosecutors. He bugged the guys and even popped in Montgomery's office to see if he was up for a poker game this month.

"Any night works for me. The missus loves the excuse to have the ladies over," the captain replied.

"I'll check with the rest of the Gotham City gang and let you know." Castle wasn't subtle with his next question. "Roy, what can you tell me about a suspect named Danny Manny?"

The Captain shut the office door and stared at Castle. "That's a red flag. If she is having nightmares about him, I need to know."

Castle smoothly lied, "She muttered something about his name being similar to the perp we staked out. Emanuel Daniels is a loose reversal of Danny Manny. Obviously they aren't the same guy, but I wondered what the back story was. I'm not sleeping with her but I always assumed she dreams of me and not dirt bags!" He smiled with suave deception.

"Oh, I didn't mean to assume anything. Forget you ever heard Danny Manny's name. Be smart and _never_ ask her about it under _any_ circumstances." The seasoned veteran stared hard to drive home the point.

"Fine with me. I won't ask her." He left Montgomery's office. This name caused more than a nightmare in Beckett; she vowed to kill whoever he was. The gut-check reaction after the gun incident was about more than pointing a weapon at him. She looked beaten. The writer sat in his chair lost in thought.

Esposito interrupted him. "Must be nice to loose yourself in daydreams. I won't ask who you're thinking about."

Castle looked around, "Where is everyone?"

"Ryan and Beckett are on other floors of the precinct getting the case wrapped up. They both want to get out of here early."

"And you don't?"

"Lanie is working late. What about you - Any big plans for the night that will immortalize the name of Castle?"

"A woman is going to have her way with me tonight." Castle paused to see if Esposito took the bait. When he saw the man's wicked grin, he explained further. "My mother is making me help her at the acting school. I get to set up all the chairs and move some tables for her big seminar tomorrow."

Esposito laughed at the reality versus the image. "Man, at least tell me it isn't about crying fake tears or dying a fake death."

The cheap laborer winced, "It is so much worse. It is about fake sex. Never date an actress!"

Esposito smirked, "Wasn't your first wife an actress?"

Castle let the man have his superior moment. "You wound me, detective. You take the glamour of being a diva's son and make me admit I am nothing more than a stage hand. Then you weasel out of me that dating an actress has serious drawbacks. My image will never recover."

Esposito played along, "What can I do to help you out, bro?"

"Actually, there is something. Beckett mentioned a name from an old case, but she won't talk about it. Can you look it up for me?"

"Yeah. No problem." They went over to Esposito's computer and he pulled up the rap sheet on Danny Manny. "He was busted for solicitation several times by Beckett when she worked vice. Oh no. Vice is off limits."

"Beckett worked vice?" Castle asked. "I guess I never thought about it." He let his mind wander back over the years. She knew about _those _nightclubs, domination, leather cuffs… She is a beautiful woman and seemed totally indifferent to her body. It made sense.

Esposito gave him what little background he could. He didn't know Beckett then. "Vice is the fast-track promotion for females. All the records are sealed because of the graphic nature of everything. Even the public arrest warrants read like soft porn. None of the vice cases will come up under her name without special authorization. You have to know a case and then you can access basic records like we did with this Manny. This piece of trash is linked to a sealed case. Bro, I can't and won't get into this stuff." Esposito made sure the writer heard him.

Castle was going schizophrenic. Part of him wanted to know every sleazy detail and let his imagination fill in the blanks, and part of him was sorry that Kate had been subject to that level of filth. He could only imagine what kind of strength it takes to deal with lust and murder as your chosen profession. For her to still be a caring person was remarkable. Actually it was extraordinary. No wonder she was a little guarded in her personal relationships.

Esposito noted the change from exuberant to quiet. He wanted to cheer up his coworker. "You know, we all have undercover arrest records. I know one of Beckett's." He pulled up a photo of a platinum blond 26 year old with heavy makeup. Her eyes were blue, obviously due to contact lenses. The part that transfixed Castle was the sneer on her face. He was speechless. If he didn't know this was his Kate, he wasn't sure he'd pick her out in a photo lineup.

The muscular detective gave Castle a little background. "This was a pretty big deal. She broke a human trafficking case and that's what earned her promotion to detective. She won't talk about it because of her partner. He got cocky and wanted to take down the leader of the ring, so he charged after the guy and ended up cornered. Beckett had his back and followed him the whole way. They both got shot multiple times. The vest saved her life. They actually have it at the police academy as an exhibit because there are so many bullets in it."

That story confirmed it. Castle was officially amazed and impressed with Detective Kate Beckett. He called her extraordinary without even knowing the half of it. She was so damned modest about what she accomplished, he would never find out. He could never make a fictional character as dynamic as the inspiration.

Esposito pulled up an undercover mug shot of himself as a gang member. Castle laughed at the contrast between the close cropped hair of the guy sitting in front of him and the youngster with a long, slicked-back ponytail with a moustache in the photo. "Man, I was already scared of you guys. If you looked like that now I don't think I'd have the balls to hang out with you."

They broke off the trip through the past when Beckett reappeared. She was all business today, and Castle was trying to stay on her good side. He nodded his thanks to Esposito and then made fresh coffee. He placed her cup at her elbow and took a swig of his own brew. She took a sip of hers and got back to work without speaking.

"How is the paperwork coming?"

"Good. We should be able to quit on time tonight. If you want to leave early, I can call if anything comes up." She glanced up at him, hoping he would bow out.

"Forget it! I have no desire to be available to my mother any sooner than necessary. What are your plans for tonight?" He sat beside her desk and searched her face for clues on how she was doing. His lovely detective had bags under her eyes skillfully hidden by makeup, and she was dressed in somber colors today.

"I've got time reserved at the range and a few boxes of ammo to fire. Then I'll have to spend the evening dismantling my weapons and cleaning them." She stole a sideways glance at him. The incident was eating at her and her and a raw vulnerability seeped out.

Castle kept his voice low. "I should return your apartment key to you. Is now acceptable?"

Beckett debated her answer. Letting him keep the key would be as symbolic as withdrawing it. That was one of the many drawbacks of being involved with a writer. She had a mischievous grin as she answered, "You can keep it but never use it."

His eyes went as wide as the ocean. "That is the cruelest tease you've ever done to me! What if I threaten to stock your refrigerator with food while you are at work one day? Or what if I feel the need to deliver fresh flowers? Perhaps you'll let me cook for you and have dinner ready as you walk through the door." Castle was animated with the possibilities of having a key to Beckett's private life.

"The first time you use it will be your last." The threat wasn't said in a joking tone.

"Oh, you'll shoot me?" Castle quipped.

All humor was lost. She looked at his beautiful blue eyes. "I will never joke about that again and will continue to apologize for my appalling lack of judgment. As for the key, I should have been clearer. The first time you use it will be your lasts because I will take it back." She quickly looked away and resumed her work.

"Hey - sorry. I wasn't thinking; I was only trying to tease." He tried to recover her levity. "I can always think of punishments I can give you so you can make it up to me."

She decided to play along. Truthfully she was trying to think of a way to show him how sorry she was. "Ok let's hear the options."

He was surprised. "First thing that comes to mind is you giving me a full body massage."

She countered his fantasy, "I'd use itching powders, dye, and girly perfume on you."

"OK very bad idea! How about a story from your days working vice that would be good Nikki Heat material?

"I'll start talking right now if you are sure that's what you want me to do." She stared at him waiting for the light to dawn. "This is a limited time offer. Now or never."

"What's the catch? You would never agree to such a revelation, so what am I missing?" His lips twitched at he thought of hearing about her in a case filled with sexual innuendo.

Her voice was low and sultry, "Rick, do you really want me to tell you a tale of vice right in the middle of the bullpen? Every gritty detail and description of sleaze?" She never looked away in embarrassment.

_Oh god! Just the sound of her sexy voice and all the unspoken looks could do me in. _He quickly ended the game. "I'd love to have dinner and a movie at your place sometime."

She smiled at his defeat but was also a little sad she got off so easy. "I get to pick the movie."

"As long as it isn't rated X," he teased.

She was serious, "You should know that pornography is off limits around me. I don't ever want to see, hear, or talk about porn."

_How is it possible that I keep stumbling into stupid moments with her? Earlier I quipped 'shoot me' and now I bring up pornography with a woman I want to date. And I know she caught the reference to her vice work even though we've never spoken of it. _"Kate, my mouth keeps engaging without thinking. Today of all days I was trying to be good. I'm sorry," he finished quietly.

Suddenly he understood the flaw in their relationship. He would never be able to stop picking away at the layers of this woman. She was reserved and didn't want to be an open book, and he was obsessed with laying her bare.

She read his mind, or at least gave a brilliant response. "Castle, quit trying to be perfect. I know who you are. Give me time to rebound from Josh, and then we can figure out whether or not we are perfect for each other." She grabbed the file and went over to see Ryan who returned with last of the reports needed to close the case.

The man looked down so he wouldn't betray the stunned expression she invoked in him. He took out his phone to give himself something to do and sent a text message to his daughter. Being a father was something he got right. He dared, for the first time, to hope he might get it right with the love of his life.


	3. Pandora's Box

**Pandora's Box**

Ryan and Beckett left the station promptly, leaving Castle and Esposito killing a little time together. They were joking around and talking video games when an Internal Affairs officer stepped into the captain's office. Montgomery emerged moments later with fury and ordered Esposito to the interview room.

"Detective Esposito, I am officer Maggie Stooks from Internal Affairs. Do you wish to have counsel present?" the large woman asked. He shook his head no, so she continued. "Are you aware of restrictions accessing vice files without proper authorization?"

_Shit_, was his only thought. He quickly reviewed his actions with Castle. "Yes" was the simple answer he gave.

"Why did you try?" She folded her heavy arms over her ample chest and waited for an answer.

"I can't give you a good reason." He folded his muscular arms over his chest and waited.

"Meaning you have a reason and won't share it, or you don't have any reason at all? Maybe you wanted a little vicarious thrill on a boring day?" The butch woman leaded forward letting her unpleasant scent push its way into his personal space.

The detective refused to be baited. He knew the game was to trap him into incriminating himself. The stuff he showed Castle hadn't broken any rules.

When his silence was all the answer she was going to get, Officer Stooks took a different tactic. "Do you respect women?"

This was such bullshit. Esposito had to answer or be labeled uncooperative. "Yes."

"Then why are you trying to undermine the authority of the lead detective, who is female, by pulling up restricted documents?"

"I have the utmost respect for Detective Beckett and will never undermine her authority." At least he could respond with sincere conviction about that.

"Here is why I don't believe you. You chose one of her old case files that you should have no direct knowledge of. References to this perp were sealed by IA. Why did you pull up _this_ suspect? Are you trying to get some leverage over your boss or you just wanted to see if she earned her way here?"

Esposito was in landmine territory. He wouldn't implicate Castle and he couldn't explain his actions. "I have no good reason for my actions."

"So you have said. Lot's of guys think female cops sleep their way to a promotion. Are you wondering if Beckett earned her detective shield on her back instead of in the field?" Stooks let the slander loose as she watched him closely.

"That's bullshit! I resent the implications." Esposito was pissed. He was angry at the woman even hinting that his boss and mentor was anything less than a damn fine cop. Shit, Beckett wouldn't sleep with the guy who was in love with her that had been following her around for years. The slutty reputation of Nikki Heat was a real thorn in her side, but no one who knew Beckett could ever think it was anything but Castle's creation.

Now that he was rattled, the investigator hoped he might slip up. "Where did you hear the name of Danny Manny?"

"I forget." Esposito practically spit his answer out.

"You forget the source for a name you typed into the database 2 hours ago? Hmm. Maybe we need to reevaluate your mental fitness to do your job with a thorough psych evaluation." She left the threat hanging. "Let's try a different approach. If I question Detective Beckett, will she confirm she spoke to you about this case and gave you permission to access it?"

"We have never spoken of this case." Esposito was going to be royally screwed if this bitch talked to Beckett. He wouldn't blame her for kicking him off the team over this. Ryan would follow him, and then everything would go to hell.

"Perhaps you need a little time for your memory to kick in. I am going to step out and speak to your captain for a few minutes. You are under orders to remain here and communicate with no one, unless you wish to change your mind and want counsel present."

"I don't need counsel," he answered in a very pissed off mumble.

"Very well. I'll be back." Stooks left the detective to stew and went to find his captain. She didn't have anything to reprimand him for, but the good-ole-gals network took even the tiniest breech of vice files as an opportunity to send a message. She found the captain in the office chewing out some guy in a suit. She was in no hurry to get back to the interview room, so she waited.

As soon as they saw her, they interrupted the heated discussion and asked her to come in.

Montgomery introduced the author to the IA officer and let the fallout begin.

Castle spoke with hesitation, "Detective Esposito was showing me that certain files were restricted. That was his only purpose in pulling them up. I can be pushy about my research, and he was trying to protect Detective Beckett from my inquisitive nature."

The anger was plain to see. The fat woman let loose on him. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

"I am here at the Mayor's invitation. My work with Detective Beckett has garnered very good publicity for the NYPD." Castle tried to smooth over his breach.

"The case you asked him to pull up is NOT one that would be good publicity. Did she discuss the Manny case with you?" The woman was enraged at Castle's blatant usurp of power, regulations and protocol.

"No, she has never spoken of any police work other than homicides. I protect my sources so don't bother to ask where I get my information." Castle hoped he deflected the heat from Esposito and onto its rightful target.

He must have succeeded because the woman swore at Castle. "You're an arrogant bastard! Just remember fate is a fickle bitch." She stormed out of the captain's office and left the precinct.

The venom in her swift departure left both men a little uneasy. Montgomery let the larger question take shape. "If Beckett hears about this and sends you packing, I'll support her decision. I warned you this was a red flag; I warned you to be smart."

"I know. Curiosity killed the cat." There was no masking the sadness. Castle recalled his earlier revelation about the fundamental difference between himself and his lovely detective. He wanted to know all her secrets and she needed to keep her skeletons buried. The writer was sorry to see the continuing conflict played out so vividly. He followed the captain to the interview room.

"Esposito, you're off the hook. I trust you've learned something from this." Captain Montgomery gave the detective a pissed off look.

The detective looked up in surprise. Then he saw Castle's face. "Yes, Captain." He pulled Castle into the room. "Man, you shouldn't have said anything. She didn't have anything on me and would have let it drop after busting my chops for an hour. She couldn't have done anything and Beckett would never know."

Castle put his hand on Esposito's shoulder, "No can do. I won't leave you hanging to protect me. I am a big boy and I need to clean up my own mess."

"Dude, Beckett is going to be really pissed if she hears about this. Don't make things worse." He hoped his friend would take his advice. He'd known Beckett longer even if Castle knew her better.

He looked his friend in the eye. "Even if it means I can't work here anymore, I am going to be honest with her." He left without looking back. He didn't want them to see how torn up he was about the latest screw-up. Even before the captain warned him he knew this case had a dark undertow. It was nasty enough to make a strong and seasoned professional look beaten. Once again he failed to learn from his mistakes of pushing his way into matters that were better left untouched.

He vowed Beckett would hear it from him and so sent her a text: "_I got nosey, got E in trouble w/IA. Fessed up it was my fault. She left mad."_

After enough time passed to allow for a phone call between Beckett and Esposito, a reply came back: "_You opened Pandora's Box. Don't call me. Don't come in."_


	4. Martha's School of Acting

** Martha's School of Acting**

Martha Rodger's school of acting was hosting a one day seminar on Love & Lust - the visual art of making love, having sex, and the perceptions of each. Grand topics of sharing a life force were going to give way to the primal power of lust. The acting tricks of each were going to be demonstrated in a tasteful and non-vulgar way. The Broadway diva had a sold out menagerie of actors eager to hear tidbits from a lifetime of experience.

Just 30 minutes prior to the beginning of the morning session, a team of vice cops walked in and demanded to speak to the person in charge. They threatened to shut down the school until an investigation could be made. The videos planned for the day had not been rated, and underage actors might be subject to inappropriate material. Ms. Rogers easily volunteered to forgo showing them, but the team moved on to other charges about alleged prostitution. Funds had changed hands and sex was the payoff. Money for sex - however you package it, the oldest profession was illegal in NYC.

Martha knew bullshit when she heard it. Not knowing what else to do, she called the first person she thought of: Detective Kate Beckett. The matriarch knew nothing of the brewing storm between the lady and her offspring, so she didn't second guess whether or not asking a favor was appropriate.

Beckett almost didn't answer because she guessed Ms. Rodgers was calling on behalf of her son. Regardless, Kate wasn't going to duck anyone but Castle. It wasn't fair to the daughter or the diva.

"Darling, I am so sorry to bother you on a Saturday morning, but there are a number of law enforcement officers who seem determined to close me down. Can you tell me what I can do about this?"

Beckett had no idea what problem necessitated multiple officers at an acting school, and she didn't want to take time to play 20 questions with Martha. "Give me the names of the officers." Hopefully one of them was someone Beckett knew.

She repeated the names and Beckett knew instantly what was afoot. Every one present was someone she worked with in vice. They were led a woman Beckett more than respected: Lt. Alison Wang. "Please put the lieutenant on the phone."

"Lt. Wang. Who is this?"

"Beckett."

Surprise was evident in the lieutenant's voice. "Why is this woman calling you?"

"Because she is my friend, and despite the stupidity of her son, I will do anything for them."

The ranking officer walked away from the others for privacy. "Stooks said he went behind your back. He implied he was beyond reproach because of the mayor. He has this coming."

"I can't justify what he did. All I can do is plead with you to leave her alone as a favor to me."

Simple and to the point: "Nope. He does not get away with this. He has to learn that there are boundaries he crossed and consequences because of it. Is there some kind of hold that is forcing you to protect him?"

"Yeah, he owns my heart." There was a pause on the line as both women registered the enormity of that statement. Once again police business forced issues in Beckett's personal life. "I'll rein him in." She asked quietly, "Please?"

"Kate, you had your chance." She heard the involuntary sigh over the phone. "If you want his mother off the hook, I am going to sit the two of you down and have my way. You decide which way I get my pound of flesh."

Beckett kept her voice even. "Please leave Martha out of this."

"Fine. We'll be gone in 5 minutes, but I will be knocking at your door at 6. He'd better be there."

Beckett's stomach knotted. "Yeah, ok."

Martha's voice came back on the line after a few minutes. "Darling, I don't know what you said, but it worked. I have a seminar to run but I'll properly thank you later."

"I'll put it on your son's tab. Break a leg."

Beckett took a deep breath and dialed. He answered immediately but she gave him no chance to speak, much less ask questions. "Bring a good bottle of wine and an expensive bottle of vodka. Be at my place at 5 and plan on staying for dinner." She hung up immediately and focused her plan to mediate the impending battle.

She stayed busy the rest of the day cleaning her apartment and shopping for groceries. Beckett didn't often cook, but she had a few special dishes that did her proud. Tonight she wanted, no, she needed, a perfect evening.

She got out her good dishes and set a proper table. The table linens, crystal, and even the center piece were all from her mother. She needed her mother's strength tonight. She relished having these family pieces and having a reason to use them. After her apartment blew up she lost most of her kitchen. Her father thought it was a perfect opportunity to pass their wedding china on to their daughter. She recalled happy family memories as she got out the serving dishes. Quietly she wondered if she would ever start making happy memories of her own. Castle certainly wanted to help her do just that, but then he went and did something stupid.

Thoughts of her undeclared lover and his missteps made her suddenly second-guess using her mother's china. Did she really want to include her mother symbolically considering the conversation that would be taking place around the dinner table tonight? The detective wasn't ashamed of her work, but the way she used her body and words to tease men wasn't something she was comfortable sharing with parents. A naked reveal of her undercover work was going to coincide with lust and vice.

"_Deal with it_," she thought. "_It is out of my control_." She hated not being in control. Her fate was in the hands of others. And she deserved this. Her lack of self discipline made the looming punishment necessary. She let Castle in her life and pretended he wasn't in her heart. She pulled a loaded gun on him. She deserved this, or so she repeated to herself.

Most of the meal was ready, except the entrée which was slow cooking for the next hour. She had just enough time to change clothes before Castle's arrival.

Beckett dressed with care. She chose a brown leather skirt and a loose gauze blouse that gave off a carefree vibe. She pulled her hair back in a simple ponytail, although she wandered if she should leave it loose as a shield for her expressions. Since the purpose of the evening was going to be a reveal of another part of her past, she decided to take her poison openly.

A few minutes before the appointed hour, a soft knock came at her door. She called out for him to enter, and stayed busy in the kitchen. When she finally turned to look, his myriad of expressions were too numerous to read.

He held out the bottles as if they were peace offerings. "As requested, I brought alcohol. The vodka was easy - Absolut. I didn't know what kind of wine would pair with the food, so I brought a variety." He shut up when she came over to claim the bag. Castle was wearing a pair of black jeans and an untucked white dress shirt. He radiated nervousness, but he looked ever so good.

She kept up her neutral expression giving him no insight to her mood. She took the vodka and put it in the freezer. "Since we won't be running out of wine, open a bottle now and pour us each a glass." Beckett went into the main room lighting a few candles and then waited for him to bring her a glass.

Castle was just short of terrified. He expected to be yelled at or physically abused. Being invited over for what smelled to be a delicious dinner was foreshadowing of the worst kind. He figured she was trying to soften the blow of telling him he was through shadowing her. She had an unreadable countenance and he only had eyes for her.

He handed Beckett her wine and was going to sit in the chair when she patted the spot beside her on the couch. "Is it too early to beg for forgiveness or too late to say I'm sorry?" He gulped some wine to fight the dry mouth making his words sound pathetic.

"Oh Castle, it's out of my control. Wait until the hard liquor comes out for the hard part. Until then you need to listen. Have you spoken with your mother today?"

"She called during lunch and told me you took care of a misunderstanding with the vice squad. Something tells me it wasn't a random chance that my mother had this problem." First Esposito had an encounter and now his mother drew fire. His actions were putting bulls-eyes on people around him.

She settled in for a long talk, "I told you Pandora's Box was opened." She paused, struggling with what to share. "I assume your mother's struggle as a single woman in an industry dominated by men is enough of a background for you to understand similar predicaments for female cops."

He nodded, intrigued despite the stakes in play. _There has to be more to the story than boys vs. girls._

"Because cops are a tight knit group to begin with, female cops formed a strong network to counter the good-ole-boys club. It wasn't so long ago that women were only allowed to type the reports and do parking patrols. Of course that changed with time. A disproportionate number of women worked vice, so that became a battle ground for the unspoken war between the sexes."

Beckett took a long drink of wine. She was usually indifferent to "politically correct behavior" at the workplace, but nature assigned her a role to play. "When Esposito pulled up a vice case for no reason, it flagged him for a friendly visit to remind him to mind his own business. What he did was no big deal and nothing would have come of it."

"I'm still sorry." Rick Castle, the shadow, began to hope Beckett, the detective, wasn't pissed beyond repair. The damage to their personal relationship was too buried to be assessed.

"Listen and learn, Castle. When you took credit for his actions, you made yourself a target. The case was nasty, and they don't know what you plan to do with the information. Yes, they went after Martha to warn you off."

_So there is more to it. I was right._ "Thank you for coming to her rescue." He said it tenderly.

Beckett looked away from him. "The penalty hasn't been paid yet. Lieutenant Wang will be joining us for dinner and taking her displeasure out on me this evening."

Castle was worried. He failed to notice the table set for three. _What else am I missing? She's wearing flats, not heels with a skirt. Why? Never mind. Was Internal Affairs going to come after Beckett? _"You didn't do anything wrong. Why is a lieutenant coming after you and what is she going to do?"

"She is doing this because I didn't keep my boys under control. I said I'd be able to rein you in. As far as what she plans, I assume she is going to lay my record bare. She is in charge of the vice squad including the time I spent there. I'm guessing she'll tell you any and all details that she knows I'd never share with you." Wang's hope was to reveal so much tonight that Manny's case would be lost compared to other stories. She paused to watch his reaction. "Tantalizing isn't it? You'll get to hear all kinds of juicy situations for Nikki Heat research."

He had the saddest look on his face. The most private woman he knew was going to be symbolically stripped by a coworker for Castle's entertainment. "I promise you not a word will ever see print. If I leave will this heartless betrayal end?"

"The situation won't go away, but I realize you may not want or be able to stay. I'll understand." She wouldn't maintain eye contact with him.

Once again he climbed around in Beckett's life like she was his personal jungle gym and there was fallout. Castle suspected something in Beckett's manner. "Do you think this is going to change how I see you?"

"Please don't belittle what you are about to hear by making some grand statement now. There is a reason I asked you to bring a bottle of vodka. When it gets opened you can have your say - if you last that long." She continued to stare at the flicker of the candle flame. Its dance with the unseen swirling currents was a sign of things to come.

He had to reassure her that his devotion really was always and forever. "The only thing I find repugnant is that you are being made to pay for something I did." This was worse than messing in her tragic past. This was messing with her professional life - the very essence of the woman she became after putting the pieces of her life back together.

She faced him so he could read the sorrow on her features. "I'm the one who pointed a loaded gun at you and called you by a name of another man."

"Because I burst into your room in the middle of the night." This was a burden she was shouldering that really belonged to him.

"Because I keep you close but not too close."

"Kate…"

An insistent knock came at the door.


	5. Temptation Lane

_Author's Note: this chapter is long and warrants the T rating. No smut or graphic stuff, but there are adult topics throughout. All the vice references are made up so I apologize if I got it wrong._

**CHAPTER 5 - Trip Down Temptation Lane**

Kate gave Castle one last look. She wanted to remember him before this happened and compare it to how he would look later. Then she shifted her focus and opened the door. Ali Wang held out the white box.

"Is that what I think it is?" Kate was delighted. Actually she was giddy with anticipation.

"Do you really think I would forget?" She flashed a knowing smile at Kate as she came through the door. They gave each other a kiss and a hug.

Beckett turned to make introductions. On one side of her was a tall man with ruggedly handsome good looks. On the other was a petite Asian beauty wearing a miniskirt and purple top. Both were approximately the same age. The opposition in outward appearances masked the secret only Kate knew: they were both similar in all the ways that mattered.

She turned to the diminutive woman first. "Ali, this is Richard Castle, author and creator of Nikki Heat. Castle, meet Lt. Wang, a damned fine officer and a woman I respect." The strangers sized each other up for a moment.

The writer spoke first, "It is a pleasure to meet you."

"I wish I could say the same. As far as I can tell, you've made Kate's life a lot more difficult. First by making her protect a civilian in dangerous situations and then by having a slutty character attributed to her." The superior officer breezed by Castle and made herself at home in the kitchen.

Beckett spoke immediately as she followed. "Castle is surprising helpful. He's been key to solving several cases." Kate made sure her tone was neutral and her voice was soft. She wouldn't let Rick get beat up in this process. This wasn't his fault. Her instinct to protect him was as much about being a cop as being his significant other.

The lieutenant took note of Kate's response, but pointed out, "All I know is I've had to defend my people from the image of loose NYPD detective called Nikki Heat."

Castle cut in, "I sincerely apologize for that. That's why the second book toned down the relationship between Rook and Heat. As you probably know all too well, sex sells." Never mind what was coming in the third novel…

His genuine candor and lack of defensiveness scored him points with the lieutenant.

Kate tried to keep the peace, "If anyone is hungry there are starters on the counter. Help yourself. I have to pull dinner out of the oven."

"I'll put the cheesecake in the frig." Ali offered as she automatically made good on her words.

Castle was surprised for some reason, "You brought cheesecake? That's one of Beckett's favorites."

Kate smirked. Ali laughed and replied, "Yeah, it's a gourmet flavor I special order. I know quite a bit about Katherine Beckett." They shared a look between them. She asked the other woman, "Do you want me to pull the salad out?"

Kate nodded and they fell into an easy routine putting the finishing touches on the meal. Castle felt like an outsider and looked for a way to include himself. "Can I get you a drink?"

"Sure, I'll have whatever Kate is having."

"Castle has fabulous taste in wines. He contributed several bottles to our dinner this evening." Beckett gave him a smile.

"You call him by his last name?" Ali asked her.

They both turned to hear her explanation. Beckett felt a little funny with the reason, but it was the truth. Tonight was going to be all about truth and the consequences. "At first it was a professional decision to refer to him as I do the other guys on my team. Then it became a game to see how many different ways I could utter '_Castle' _and make him understand me."

He grinned at her. "She does it so very well. I may pretend otherwise, but Beckett always gets her point across!"

Ali looked confused. She was a very smart woman, but the interaction between these two was unusual. There was enough sexual tension in the room to make a vice cop want to arrest someone. "You call her by her last name?"

It was Castle's turn to share. "Writers are very particular about when a first or last name is used, an endearment is shared, or a moniker is applied." He grinned at his detective.

"Has anyone ever told you guys your relationship is too complicated?" Ali thought about her plan for the evening. She decided to continue, but that the emphasis would be different than what she originally intended. She was ok with forcing a few issues. Tearing down the walls Kate Beckett built was one of those commonalities the power players didn't know they shared.

They sat down to beautiful aromas. Kate had stuffed chicken breasts with Asian vegetables and served it over wild rice. She warmed fruit kabobs with a honey glaze. Hard crusted bread and salad made the table overflow with bounty. Other hungers came to the forefront. Ali commented first, "You made my favorite dish. Thank you."

Castle noted a faint blush on Beckett's cheeks. Was this woman here as an adversary or friend? "Kate, I am duly impressed. This is a delight."

Beckett was slightly embarrassed. "Enough! Let's eat." While the food was passed around the table the skeletons in the closet started to rattle.

Wang started right in on more than the meal. "Is there anything from your days working vice that is worth remembering?"

Beckett tried to keep the tone of the evening light for as long as possible. "I learned a lot!"

"That's the problem when girls from nice families enter the depraved depths of human longing. They learn a lot and don't know what to do with all those dirty little secrets." Wang addressed her observation to Castle.

He winced at bluntness. He was prepared for talking about sex. He could talk about steamy fictional encounters between characters all day long. Serving up Kate's emotions like a side dish was something else.

Beckett shook her head at Wang. "You know I had a wild child phase. Vice wasn't as much of a shock as you make it out to be."

The chocolate eyes reluctantly opened from the warm fruit she was savoring. She licked the away the remaining sweetness and spat out her response. "Really? In any of your relationships have you ever put any of that specialized knowledge to use?"

Beckett didn't blush, but she did defend herself. "That's not fair. Despite Nikki Heat's reputation, I've only had a few relationships because I've been focused on my career."

"Interesting answer. Let me try again. Rick, are you and Kate close?" The vice cop studied the writer.

"Yes." He answered without hesitation.

"Has she ever told you anything from those years?"

Rick countered immediately. "No one knows much of anything about Beckett outside of work whether it is from last night or last year. She is a private person, but she isn't closed off." His eyes turned to the woman in question. As an unspoken show of support he speared a vegetable and made a show of enjoying her cooking.

"Nice. He defends you. You defend his mother and by proxy, defend him. Let's see what else equals out. He has a playboy past. You have a background in vice, lust and debauchery. Hmmm. Would you pass the bread, please?" The small woman smiled at the wallop her words packed. She broke the bread Kate baked and offered a piece to the man with the eyes going wide at the gesture.

Damn the symbolism that rose unwarranted. He couldn't refuse to take it but popping it in his mouth as the two women watched was also wrong. He took it and noted it was still warm from the oven as he carefully put it aside for the moment. Castle tried to steer the conversation from Beckett's personal side to factual encounters. "Is Esposito in trouble for showing me an undercover mug shot?"

The detective answered before the lieutenant could. "No, that one is pretty well known. I'm surprised it took the guys this long to share it with you."

"You had long blond hair and heavy makeup. I wouldn't have recognized you."

"No, you definitely did not."

Something about the way she said it clicked a distant memory in Castle's mind. Slowly the words came out as he recalled a fan encounter from long ago. Younger and blond, but the legs and face were memorable. He met her before! "You spoke with a Russian accent and were dressed, well, never mind."

_Damn, how could he have failed to match those eyes with the woman he stared at everyday? _He paused for a second remembering more. "I kept watching you the whole time you stood in line. I remember it was odd you didn't want me to personalize the autograph." His embarrassment grew as he remembered the worst part. "I asked if you wanted to show me how big a fan you were. Oh, god! No wonder you think of me with contempt after all these years." He hung his head, hating his past, knowing full well this was punishment of the worst kind. He was mortified.

She giggled. "I always thought I'd be the one embarrassed beyond belief if it ever came out. I'm actually a little amused by your recollection."

At least Castle had the relief of distracting Ali for a few minutes. He lived for small victories at the moment. His victory was short lived when the vice cop refocused her efforts. "If you were dressed as the white Russian," the ladies smiled at each other over the nickname, "then that happened later. I didn't let you go out on the street until I was satisfied you could handle it."

"I can't imagine there is much Beckett doesn't do well." Castle complimented her without looking at her.

She knew he was still embarrassed by their first encounter and she tried to make amends. "I wasn't very good at the real vice work my first year."

"Let's just say you thought you had enough experience to warrant your bravado, but your innocence was your second best asset I wanted to exploit." Ali saw Rick's question and answered without waiting for him to ask. "Her greatest asset was indifference to her body image. Very few women are truly comfortable with their looks enough to not have emotional baggage develop when playing with their persona. Who they were, who they play, and who they become is quite a threesome to handle."

Wang smiled at Castle, then Beckett, and then continued, "You got too brave, too quick. When you rolled up to work on your motorcycle dressed in black leather, you really thought I would let you loose." Ali was brutally honest about Beckett's flaws. "You may want arrests at any cost, but I want my people safe. Your willingness to sacrifice everything for the job is a short term distraction from the demons chasing you."

Castle unwittingly played into the lieutenant's hands as he tried to steer things away from emotional wounds. "Beckett dressed in black leather is something I dream of seeing." He closed his eyes and enjoyed the fantasy despite the consequences.

Beckett recalled him from the reverie. "Just for that, I'll never take you for a ride." Belatedly she realized how that could sound to the others around the table. Rather than be a petulant tease she wanted to be in a loving, one and done relationship. Sex was easy; forever was impossible. She fingered the pattern of her mother's china. There were red roses but no thorns. _Why did the thorns always get overlooked?_

Ali bluffed, "Come now, Mr. Castle, you have to appreciate the danger of Officer Beckett alone, without backup, walking into a known biker bar where the majority of men were hardened criminals who would gang up on her."

He gulped at the new vision and quickly looked at Beckett with undisguised fear_. Did something happen that made Kate seek meaningless relationships? _

Before his writers mind could conjure up horrific images, Beckett calmed him by confronting his antagonist. "Come now, Lt. Wang, you have to appreciate the boundaries. No lies. I may have offered something of sort, but **it never happened**."

Castle was lost in his own world. He swirled the dark red liquid in his wine glass and watched Beckett take a sip of hers. His eyes focused on her lips. His mind, usually adept at character motivations, missed the subtle undercurrents circling. Belatedly he realized the lieutenant was staring at him.

He tried for normal banter. "Tell me Ali, how was Beckett as a dominatrix?"

"How do you know about that? Never mind. The answer is that she was terrible at first. She was still too much of a nice girl when she first tried." The lieutenant shook her head at the memory.

"Kill a fantasy of yours, Castle?" Beckett smirked as she stole yet another glance at her partner.

"Not at all, detective. I know you can _master_ anything you put your mind to."

Ali groaned. "Is it always like this with him?"

Beckett smiled, "He does make murder a little less dark. And it bears repeating: he can be really helpful. His natural curiosity serves him well as an author, and his insight serves me well as a partner."

The two of them looked at each other with unresolved feelings. Ali decided it was time to up the stakes.

"Speaking of fantasies, Castle, want to hear about Beckett with another woman?"

Kate finally blushed and Rick's jaw dropped at the images that leapt to mind. He struggled to answer, "Ah, no thanks."

Ali pressed. This guy had a healthy perspective on sex. His vulnerability was sitting beside him. This was how his nemesis was going to make or break the success of her plan. "Really, it is basic vice stuff. I needed to send a woman undercover as a call girl, and using a lesbian pair allowed them to have backup and always be together. With Kate's body she was an easy choice for the assignment."

Ali pinned Castle down with the verbal taunt. "As a man, wouldn't you be drawn to her? Tell me, would it be green eyes, perfect breasts, or hard body that would make you choose her?"

Castle swallowed hard. He answered in spite of himself, "The long legs." He was not able to speak in full sentences. He squirmed like a schoolboy. _What if that was the reason Beckett hid in meaningless relationships? There was a stereotype about women in the military and police ranks…_

Kate knew this was going to come up. She countered immediately and talked to Castle like this was nothing unusual. "All we had to do was hug each other. A guy would see us braiding each other's hair or putting makeup on one another and his mind made it more than it was. By the time we got him alone he was easy to bust."

"Ah, yeah, I can see where a guy's mind would get ahead of what was actually happening." Just like his mind did. He shook it off; he knew better.

Beckett recalled her first assignment to distract Castle. "She put me in a massage parlor and I spoke with this fake French accent. I had more arrests a day than anyone ever had."

"Your record still stands, by the way." The lieutenant was proud of her and it came through in her voice.

"You gave massages?" Castle was lost in the vision and unaware he spoke aloud until both women laughed at him. He stared at Beckett.

Kate looked at Ali, "He stares at me like this at work all the time. It's really not because of the topic of conversation." She fell silent recalling her naivety. Ali was wrong. Being on the vice squad didn't steal her innocence. That was lost when her mother was stabbed and left like trash in a dirty alley. The daughter fingered her mother's china and sighed.

The vice officer kept to her mission. She hadn't coddled Beckett when she was under her command. She wasn't going to do it now. "If visions of a massage do this to him, what will he think about your pole dancing?"

Beckett shot Ali a look at the blatant tactic. "You mean the time you threatened to kick me out of vice because I wouldn't dance at the bikini bar?"

Ali ignored the glare Beckett sent her and chatted away at Rick. "She had done the rounds at the parlors and I needed someone to go undercover at a bar where dancers were getting attacked. We did an informal audition and Kate was the best of the bunch. She flatly refused. They are allowed to refuse assignments in vice, but I was pissed at her for a month."

Rick licked his lips involuntarily at a mental vision of his Kate in a bikini. Hearing about the reality of a not-so-subtle fantasy was too much for him. Add the visual image of her dancing... Another fantasy, albeit of her in a gown and heels as he held her close. The blended version undid him. _Those legs wrapped around a pole as she arched her back… _He had to stop his mind from going there. He readjusted in his chair. Although he could read a sex scene about Nikki Heat aloud to a room full of women, he couldn't keep the same level of composure when it came to Kate Beckett.

Beckett tried to distract him and explain her refusal, "It wasn't the dancing. I just didn't want to go from making multiple arrests a day to working for days or weeks to get one dirt bag."

Ali's voice was menacing, "Don't you dare lie to me or to him. The truth is other girls wanted the chance to work inside because it was winter. Kate refused the job so a cop with more seniority would get it. That's not how vice works. It is always about the best person for the job. That's why I was pissed off for a month."

Beckett complained about the memory, too. "You still wouldn't let me work the streets. You put me in the playground for a month."

_Playground? _Castle head was going to swivel off his neck from the back and forth of these two women. He gave up playing with his food to concentrate on the discussion.

Ali took great delight in explaining the reference. "The playgroundis an adult emporium that lets us place a cop as an employee whenever we want. It keeps their riffraff under control, and it lets the innocents get educated. They don't get to leave until they know the answer to every question I ask."

"I'll never admit this again, but thankfully my father was an alcoholic at the time. He has no memory of the time he came over and I found the magazines I was studying. I had forgotten to hide them, and I was mortified." The embarrassment still showed as she recalled it.

"Gee detective. I had given up my subscription to Playboy by then or I would ask if we read the same articles." He tried to be cute about it even though he shifted uncomfortably.

"Castle, Playboy was too tame to bother reading." Beckett gave him a long look and he squirmed under the scrutiny.

Ali agreed, "You have no idea the depravity these women must be prepared to deal with." She watched the two of them have a conversation with just their eyes. She let the silence continue and the tensions build.

Beckett roused herself and tried for a more neutral portrayal of her work during those years. "They weren't all sick, sex fiends. Sometimes they were just horny guys that had too much to drink."

A pause ensued. Everyone focused on the sensations of their taste buds for a moment. The sweet and spicy flavors played against the tenderness of the juicy white meat. Kate's cooking was sublime.

Wang took Beckett's recollection and used it for her own ends. "Yes, like the many times you were a stripper for a bachelor party. It was just you and a hotel room of horny, drunk men who felt they had purchased a free pass on decency."

Although Castle immortalized Nikki Heat getting naked, the reality of his Kate stripping was too much. His active imagination worked against him and his body reacted to the tantalizing morsels the evening produced.

Wang fed Castle's fantasy. "Don't ever offer to play strip poker with Officer Beckett. She can wear so many layers you are guaranteed to lose."

Both Castle and Beckett tried to hide a guilty grin at that thought. Ali kept the visuals going. "Some guy thought just because a woman was a stripper she was a prostitute. One of them always pushed too far even after she told him "no". She never once had to stop dancing because she ran out of layers of the onion to peel."

Castle looked up at the analogy. _So that is where the saying came from! _"There are so many layers off an onion to peel it can make a grown man cry." Instead of Beckett getting peeled, Castle felt his own layers of emotional control finally slipping away.

Beckett nodded slightly but addressed the lieutenant. "You stuck me out on street corners like it was a punishment, but I'd rather be out there on the front lines. A lot of pimps got a rude awakening when they tried to recruit me." She gave a quick glance over to Castle. His expression wasn't a leer. It was something else entirely.

He took a long drink of clear, cold water. Dinner was winding down and he hoped the conversation would also. Too many images swirled in his head about Beckett. His usual coping mechanism, writing, was not available to him at the moment. He tried to force his mind to sort out the red herrings from the facts, staying as far away from fantasy as possible. The reality of what he heard was his undoing. His mind supplied the images unbidden. He started to take another drink of water, saw the ice cube, and put it down with a groan.

The silence stretched for several minutes.

Ali smirked into her wine. Kate took in the body language of both her guests. She had enough. "Ali, I'm sure you're ready for a cigarette break after eating. Why don't you go outside to have a smoke and enjoy the pleasant evening?"

Wang looked at Beckett and shook her head no. "Really, I'm fine." Her demeanor backed up her words. She had no intention of having a cigarette when the enjoyment of the drama in front of her was so much more fun.

"I insist." The brunette's dark hair matched her tone of voice.

"I can wait until afterwards" she smiled at the innuendo and continued, "…after desert." Wang pushed back and smiled ever so sweetly at Castle. He was lost in his own private hell and didn't react.

"I'm trying to be a good hostess. It will give me time to make the coffee and clear the table. Why don't you take time to have two." It wasn't a question. It was a thinly veiled ultimatum.

Ali was downright perky. "Well, if you're sure you can handle it, I'll take a 10 minute break. I could suck in some fresh air and sigh at what a beautiful night it is to hook up with friends." She smirked at Kate as she got up from the table and left the apartment.

Kate wasted no time. She looked at Rick and kept her voice very soft. "If you'd like to skip the cheesecake you're welcome to leave now."

He snapped out of his reverie. "I'm not going to abandon you." He didn't look at her.

Her tone was gentle, "Rick, perhaps you need to stretch your legs. You know where my bathroom is."

_Oh god no! _Getting up from the table was the last thing Richard Castle wanted to do at the moment. "I'll be fine. I just, ah, ate too much and need to sit and let my, um, food _settle."_

"Rick, she'll keep at it. She'll keep up the stories all night if she wants to. She'll go from factual to graphic if she has to." He still wouldn't meet her gaze. His love for her was being reduced to lust and he was desperate for an honorable way out.

Kate got up from the table and walked behind his chair. She leaned down and put her mouth close to his ear. The whisper was as tantalizing as the offer. "You know I'm a fan girl. Let me act like one." She snaked her arms lower.

Rick grabbed her hands in sheer panic. "There is no way I will degrade what you mean to me by ever classifying you as a fan girl."

She whispered again into his ear in a way that was not helping his predicament. "Maybe it's time I meet the big white whale."

He moaned. With effort he forced out a response, "I appreciate the continued irony of police business forcing intimate moments in our personal lives, but not like this."

Kate moved to stand beside his chair and focused on his eyes. She waited until he reluctantly looked at her face. He reddened; she didn't.

Wordlessly she pulled him up and matched the grip he had on her hands. She walked backwards gently pulling him along. Their eyes never left each other. There was no judgment but a little remorse from both. Kate stopped in the hallway and dropped her eyes to his lips. She paused only long enough to let him register what she was about to do. Then she kissed him tenderly. The way she pressed her entire body into his was anything but tender.

He tried not to respond but her power over him and his current state of arousal made it impossible. He had to stop her. "No. Please." It was almost a whimper.

Kate Beckett opened her eyes and evaluated her efforts. His eyes were dark, his voice was low and husky, and his breath was ragged. "I'm going to go make coffee." With another brief press of her lips, she left him standing in front of the bathroom door.

This was wrong on so many levels. Kate Beckett initiated a kiss and Rick Castle stopped it. Who was falling victim to lust and who was acting out of love? Perhaps the fates disguised themselves and acted in collusion.


	6. Trip Down Memory Lane

When Castle returned to the kitchen Beckett was at the sink clearing the dishes from dinner. He slipped into his chair and didn't say a word. Ali returned to the apartment a moment later.

The diminutive woman tried to read the atmosphere in the room, but the pair was too experience at hiding to give anything away. Castle spoke in neutral voice, "The aroma of the coffee is delightful. It is a blend I don't think I can place."

Beckett dried her hands and turned to face her guests. Castle was looking at the coffee pot and Wang was looking at her. The detective smiled at both and poured the dark elixir into a serving pot. Then she carried the tray to the table. Ali got the cheesecake out of the refrigerator and placed it on the waiting platter. She joined them at the table.

"I added Irish Cream to the coffee."

Wang nodded her approval. "It will complement the desert perfectly." Without further ado, the trio enjoyed the rich creamy smoothness of the cheesecake with the blend of dark, almost bitter chocolate adding balance to the sweet flavor. Kate closed her eyes and savored the first bite. Out of consideration for Castle she stifled a moan of pleasure. No one pretended to notice that Castle wouldn't look Kate in the eye.

Lt. Ali Wang took the opportunity to catch up Beckett on how her old coworkers were doing. Relationships and babies predominated. By unspoken consent neither officer of the law mentioned the tragedies. A few cops ended up shot, committed suicide, or had their lives wrecked beyond repair. Ali believed that there were fates worse than death, and she fought against it in both the public and her people. It remained to be seen if Beckett won the battles and yet lost the war.

Wang made a show of checking her phone when the last bite of desert was taken. "I'm sorry to run out on you both, but duty calls. Vice is most active as the darkness of the night grows deeper."

She rose to take her leave and Castle stood like the gentleman he was. "It has been a most illuminating evening. Thank you for clearing up the misunderstanding at my mother's acting school."

Wang accepted Castle's apology and simply responded with, "Goodbye." Her focus, however, was on Kate. They walked to the door together and she gave her colleague and friend another hug and a kiss.

She whispered, "It remains to be seen whether you are trampled by the elephant in the room or ride the stallion off into the sunset." She whispered a few other parting shots as she stepped outside the door.

Detective Kate Beckett was lost in reflection. It was a few minutes before she recalled herself to the present. She got the vodka out of the freezer, grabbed 2 glasses and went to the couch. She waited for her faithful companion to follow.

She poured two drinks and offered him one. The gesture forced him to look at her. Wordless, she gave him permission to say whatever he wanted. If he backed off and asked nothing, it would tell the detective something unfortunate. Presently she was deciphering his choice to sit at the far end of the couch, not choosing his usual proximity to her, and refusing to hold her gaze.

"You are not normally a person who easily displays affection. Why is Ali different?" He filled the void only with mere words.

"Vice is different. You have to be very comfortable with people touching you all the time and invading your personal space. Also, it becomes important to have friendly and positive physical connections when there are so many forced and unwanted ones." She waited for the bomb to drop. At least a joke? A knowing smile?

Silence filled the room. Maybe he really was going to look at her differently from now on. Beckett was disappointed and surprised. She thought Castle would joke and tease her endlessly. Suddenly it seemed like he just wanted to forget she was in the room. She never felt dirty or embarrassed about her vice work before. But now that she thought about it, she wasn't the kind of woman he would want around Alexis. The vodka provided some numbness. When the cop started looking at it from a parent's point of view, she was surprised he wasn't running for the door with the plan of never coming back to the 12th again.

Castle was mortified at what had occurred. His unrelenting curiosity got Esposito and his mother in trouble, and Kate had to bail him out. Beckett's history with the vice squad proved once again that she was amazing. Unfortunately, her privacy was violated so that his rather appropriate punishment could be handed out. He flushed with embarrassment. First it was boyish curiosity and then boyish lack of control. He was not portraying himself as the kind of man Kate Beckett deserved. He took a drink hoping for some liquid courage. Beckett was going to usher him to the door and tell him never to come back.

The elephant in the room went from pink to a deeper crimson color.

Castle looked down at the sputtering flame of a candle Beckett lit hours ago. "I can't tell if Ali is a friend or foe to you, but I can tell what she thought of me. It is clear she has influence and my future is doomed. I'm sorry Kate. I should have bowed out before now…"

"**Rick**, don't hide why you are ending our partnership!" She interrupted him with a tinge of anger in her voice. Then she softened her tone, "I understand why you wouldn't want a woman like me around Alexis."

He jerked his head up in surprise. "**What**? This only increases my respect for you! Alexis would be lucky to have a woman who can talk about stuff without embarrassment. I love that my daughter isn't naive but she is innocent in the ways of the world. Somewhere along the way I started counting on you being a part of her life. Even if you never want to see me again, I hope you will still be there for her. The only part I am trying to hide is embarrassment at my lack of control."

He would have continued his awkward explanation but Kate broke into an all out laugh. Millionaire playboy Richard Castle looked down in humiliation.

"Rick, are you really embarrassed you had an erection? That was basic biology at work, nothing more. Ali is a pro at making men squirm. Actually she complimented me on the way out - said she never saw a guy with such composure. She was kind of mad I made her stop because she thought you could hold the unofficial record."

Castle was anything but amused. "I'm glad she was so entertained. Unfortunately I don't care about _her _good opinion." He finally held her gaze so she would see the apology on his face.

He still adored her. The unspoken emotion was as strong as ever. The fact that his love was undeterred warmed the woman deeply. Kate scooted over on the couch closer to him. "You want the honest truth? I'm sorry you stopped my excuse to experience some _lusty abandon_. Our relationship seems to progress only when forced." She took a drink of vodka.

"Oh, Kate. Enough issues were forced tonight against your will because of my interference in your life. I insist on any boundaries of a personal nature be crossed by mutual accord." He wanted to reach for her but he felt their relationship sputtering like the shadows from the candle's flame.

She was sorry greater intimacy wasn't mutually agreeable on his side, but that was another discussion they'd never have. Instead she considered something else her partner said. "You think Lieutenant Wang has it in for you, but that isn't the issue she was trying to force. She changed tactics on me. The lieutenant was being my friend and showing me a little tough love."

Castle failed to see any way this evening was an act of friendship. His silence spoke for him.

"I hoped she was going to give you so much fodder for your imagination that you wouldn't care about getting into the facts of a certain case. I thought that was the best-case-scenario."

"Kate, I told you this will never see print."

He still didn't get it. She shared her worst case scenario. "Ali could have made this evening hell on us. She could have had you in agony for hours and reduced me to an emotional wreck if she wanted to. I saw her shift gears and appreciate her consideration."

It took all of the author's willpower not to balk at her words.

"Rick, my years on the force have brought a different kind of baggage from the tragedy in my personal life." She paused again. _That was too vague_. Damn she hated trying to find words when she was reaching out emotionally to her favorite author. "Ali takes cops and molds them into pseudo sex objects, but she tries to make sure they come out on the other side. Innocence can never be recaptured, but the knowledge doesn't have to be a dirty little secret. Ali took away my ability to hide it from you. She must approve of you in my personal life." Kate looked away from the naked honesty.

Her blush was adorable. Rick knew better than to speak the sentiments swirling in his heart, but he gave her an undisguised look of love _and_ longing. "She has a hell of a way of playing match maker."

Beckett responded by tossing back the last of the vodka in her glass. She waited for him to speak, waiting to see whether love or lust won out with the man-child.

Instead it reminded Castle that the hard liquor was a signal for the hardest revelations to come to light. He searched her eyes for the real damage done. Finding none, he spoke, "I'm done with this journey down temptation lane. Too much of my desire to know everything about you has brought you pain. I'm sorry, again."

Her caress of his face surprised him. "Oh, Rick, just because I don't like you pushing my boundaries doesn't mean it isn't good for me." Her hand lingered on the stubble of his jaw.

He took the opportunity to kiss the pulse on her wrist, but refused to ask the question that started this chain of events.

Kate sighed. Whether from the warmth spreading through her body because of his brief kiss or his reluctance to finish the story, she was uncertain as he. Regardless, she tried again, "I'm not a story teller. You have to help me put it to rest."

Castle drew in a deep breath. This was a journey fraught with battle scars. Somehow they made it through their version of "Temptation Lane" but another twisted path lay before them. He was going to do what he promised the captain he wouldn't do. Reluctantly he asked, "Who is Danny Manny and why do you want to kill him?"

"Who is Danny Manny?" She repeated the question like she didn't know the real answer. "We busted him a few times for solicitation. He was a beautiful kid with silky locks that were all wrong on a boy. Of course he was gay and that's why his father beat him constantly until he ran away from home. Life on the streets was better than what he knew in the harshness of his Christian home." Beckett was lost in reflection.

Castle poured a refill of vodka into their glasses. He was going to hurt her by making her share these recollections. He didn't have the resolve to watch her suffer, so he mused to himself, '_the journey began with the recollection: 'life on the streets...'_ _Pretend it is just another story. _Aloud he asked, "You said '**we**' busted him. Lt. Wang knew him?"

She took a swig of the transparent liquid as if it would clarify her thoughts. "Adam became my partner while I was in vice. He was a born again Christian who relished the fight against evil. He was a short, thin man with a look of perpetual youth. Add beautiful green eyes and long blond hair and he made a convincing homosexual. He said his strength came from his Samson hair." She was lost in the memory. "I used to do his makeup every night. Because we both had green eyes they called us the Green Team of Envy." Her voice trailed off and she didn't offer any more.

Castle forced himself to pry into the painful memories. Her psyche couldn't take another demon joining forces with the dragon that she wrestled alone and in the dark. "I've never heard about your partner before."

"He wasn't my first or my last." She focused on Castle. "I have a bad record with partners. My first resigned in disgrace after an IA investigation, and my last official partner was shot and put on disability. Adam was in the middle."

Again the writer's mind took over. _Adam should have been the name of the first partner. It fit the story better. _He shook off the coping mechanism and caught back up with her.

"You'd better rethink calling yourself my partner." She teased Castle but the truth beneath the words was plain enough.

"The law of averages is on my side. After 3 strikes it's no wonder you're out of patience. Is there a lemon law for partners?" He stopped the quips in favor of showing his heart. "I mean it when I say 'always'. You are never getting rid of me. Official or not, _I'm your partner for better or worse_." He let the words linger.

Again, that warmth flushed Kate's belly as she felt his sincerity. She distracted herself. "Yeah, since you're not a cop IA can't come after you, and thankfully you signed all those waivers in case you get shot." Her eye roll was out of habit.

The pattern of partners leaving Beckett was a heartbreaking reinforcement of her mother's untimely passing. It was no wonder that Beckett resisted Castle as a partner. Although he vowed he would never leave her, the truth was their unofficial relationship could end in a flash. It was necessary to understand this dynamic. "Tell me about them," Rick gently prodded.

"When Royce was assigned a new rookie to train, I was paired with a grisly old street cop. I thought he just hated having a woman as a partner. I didn't care. I was a lowly uniform. I put my time in and was consumed with my mother's case and my father's deepening battle with alcoholism."

Castle tried to fill in the missing plot without making her spell it out. "If your first partner resigned in disgrace after an investigation, he must have been a dirty cop. The problem for you was half the force wondering if you ratted him out or whether you were dirty too."

She simply nodded. "Like I said, I was distracted back then." She struggled again with the next story. "My last partner was after I left vice. We were working on a human trafficking ring. He went in first and I had his back. It turned out to be an ambush. He got shot outside the protection of his vest. Mine stopped all the rounds that came at me." She shrugged like there was no more to say.

"So he was put on disability because he never fully recovered." Castle now hated that he ever called himself her partner because of what the label conjured up based on this history. She faced so much depravity and death without the luxury of writing happy endings. He had to help her push through the darkness. He circled back to the name that started this twisted chain of events. "So what did Manny do to Adam?"

"He deliberately trapped my partner and destroyed him. Even knowing that we were cops, he baited him and sold him out. When all was said and done, so was Adam." There was no emotion in Kate. Her features were blank and her body was tense.

"What happened, Kate?" His voice was just above a whisper. This wasn't a stroll down Main Street. It was more like another alley where someone was going to pay the ultimate price.

Beckett took another swallow of the burning liquid before she answered. "Adam tried to bond with the kid and get him off the streets. He felt responsible because of all the beatings the kid endured in the name of Christianity, so he tried to show him that not all people of faith are like that."

He let his silence goad her.

She forced herself to give the details. "The kid tried to ignore Adam's overtures, but he was persistent. Finally they met up one beautiful, sunny morning after we were off duty. Danny Manny led Adam into a trap. My partner was taken at gunpoint and held. It took me 2 days to find out where they had him. I couldn't bring Manny in then, but I vowed if I ever saw him again it would be the last time."

Castle picked at the wound: "What did they do to Adam?"

Beckett's eyes were distant recalling the case from not so long ago. "There is an underground movie maker that has a fetish following for porn that turns deadly. Since their actors expire on a regular basis, they are in need of a fresh influx of recruits. The new victims are deprived of food and water and forced to watch the torture. At the end of the movie they get to decide whether to participate in the next one or be on the receiving end of the depravity, the filth, the horror…" Her voice trailed off.

"Oh my God!" Castle's mind was too adroit at supplying images. He forced himself to stop as his stomach tightened. "You got to him in 2 days…" He left the implication hanging. _God, how he hoped…_

"They were mere hours away from finishing up the movie being filmed. Nothing happened to Adam _physically_. He ended up in a psych ward refusing to speak. He was stoic and silent. A priest couldn't get him to pray with him. Finally the shrinks asked me to visit. I was their last resort…"

No wonder Montgomery warned him off of this case. No wonder the lieutenant sent Esposito warning shots. Castle really hated himself right now. This moment was occurring because author Richard Castle had to snoop in Beckett's life - _again_. She was retracing footsteps through hell because he was _curious_. He took a large swallow of vodka and wanted to look anywhere but at her.

"Quit, Castle."

He glanced at her and her eyes left his immediately. _Quit drinking? Quit pushing? Quit following her? Shit!_

"Quit blaming yourself. Just because you stumble across some crap that makes me hurt it doesn't mean you have to coddle me. This isn't your fault so quit thinking it is." She shot him a warning look.

She continued the narrative, "I took a book to leave with Adam." She tried to lighten the mood knowing how much Castle berated himself: "No, it wasn't one of your novels."

Neither bothered with a fake smile. Her mask fell back into place. A good man, a partner, was destroyed. It remained to be seen if there were more casualties. Even if Beckett pushed the memories away, nothing guaranteed that Castle could deal with harsh realities.

The detective continued almost like she was in a trance. "Adam was the talkative one in our partnership. The first time I visited I didn't know what to say, so I just jabbered on about closing the case. I acted like he was going to be fine even though I knew better." Beckett's hand was unsteady as she hoisted her glass of vodka. She thought the better of it and put the glass down without taking a drink. "The look on his face haunted me."

Rick reached out and held her hand. He didn't want them to get separated with her in the past and him unable to bring her back.

"The next visit I broke down in tears. I bawled and hugged him and begged for his forgiveness. I should have stopped him from trying to meet with the kid outside of work. If I had, none of this would have happened. I couldn't come up with the right words to help him. I couldn't comfort him. I didn't have his back…"

"You got him out. You came through for him." His quiet admiration of her strength came through, too.

Another long pause ensued. "Adam still didn't speak, but he did give my hand a squeeze when I left."

The quiet encouragement was echoed in his squeeze of her hand.

Her eyes brimmed with unshed tears. "That's when I vowed to get tough. I shut down the emotional floodgates that opened when I buried my mother and I clamped a lid on it just like Adam did. He didn't dump his burden on others and I vowed I wouldn't either." Another pause was directed at the clear drink. Again she decided against another shot of the pain killer. "The next visit I didn't know what to say, so I picked up the book and started reading to him. Somehow the story transported him from his own hell. It filled a void."

Gently trying to keep her in the present, he asked a meaningless question, "What was the title?"

"The Veritas Conflict."

"Veritas is Latin for truth." _How damned appropriate coming from Beckett whose life was a search for truth._ "I assume it was a Christian story?"

She nodded. "I kept visiting and reading aloud. The book became our lifeline. The fictitious battles and resolution gave him back enough hope to start healing. One crappy, rainy day I came by and he was gone. He checked out against medical advice and moved away."

Castle wanted to wrap up the journey and end the purgatory. "You never saw him again. End of story."

"Yeah. But he took the book and left me a note. He asked for **my** forgiveness for bowing out of the fight of good versus evil. He told me I was being watched over by angels." A single tear ran down her cheek. As much as Rick wanted to wipe it away, he didn't want to draw attention to it.

"Where is he now?" Castle knew Beckett would keep tabs on Adam even though she respected his wish to be left alone.

"He is an accountant in Iowa. He never married, but he is active in a church and volunteers with at-risk teens. He keeps his hair really short now." The symbolism was heartbreaking to her.

He caressed her hand. "Kate, what can I do? I know there are no words to lighten the burdens you carry. Knowing that I think you are strong and compassionate and amazing isn't enough. What can I do other than say I'm sorry I dredged this up?"

She looked at him for the first time in a while. "I have a penance planned for you. As for myself, I need to rewind my actions and make sure I deal with this. I know what works."

He hesitated, and then decided it was necessary. "Whatever you think worked last time only buried the issue because it came back. Emulating the stoic strength of a wounded cop in a psych ward by ignoring the crap you deal with is…"

Beckett's eyes went wide. "Would you have me wear my heart on my sleeve? I'm a homicide detective."

Good! There was a flash in her eyes. "Yeah, you're a damn fine cop. But you are also a human being who carries more than her share of burdens." He broke off the words to focus on the unspoken offer.

"I learn from my mistakes, Castle."

He stared with obvious curiosity and uncertainty. _Was he a mistake? Had he pushed too hard even though she said she needed to tell the story? _He questioned without words.

She stood. "I've got a plan. It starts with a good night's rest." Even if she couldn't sleep she needed to wind down. She turned and walked into her bedroom, leaving Rick alone.

She didn't shut the bedroom door. He weighed his options, her words, and their history. All of this happened because he was pushing his way into her most private life. He reviewed the three-way at dinner and the long conversation that followed. He weighed the consequences and made his decision.


	7. Last Chapter

**The Last Chapter**

He walked into her bedroom. The woman who was wearing a leather skirt and white shirt was gone and in her place stood another incarnation of Kate. She changed into simple cotton top and matching shorts while her hair fell around her face. She was wearing pale pink. It was so unlike the tough detective Rick couldn't help but feel better for her.

"After the stakeout I should have never let you sleep on my couch." It said too much about her if she would rather go to sleep thinking of suspects to keep her mind from straying to thoughts of Richard Castle. She was scared of him: his hold over her was stronger than her fear of dirt bags. "If it isn't being too presumptuous, the other side of the bed is free. Regardless of what you decide, I need a good night's sleep."

That left the choice entirely up to the man in the relationship. He could always bow out and maintain the status quo, or he could join her even though all she was offering was sleep.

She went into her bathroom and stripped off her makeup. She left a new toothbrush out just in case. When she returned to her bedroom, Castle had pulled down the covers on her bed. Wordlessly he went to brush his teeth.

When he returned she was in bed so he stripped down to his boxers and tee shirt and crawled in next to her He didn't touch her. "You have a plan?" He made sure the innuendo was missing from the question. Now was not the time for mixed messages.

"I'll get a good night's sleep if you've got my back…" She betrayed a little vulnerability as she scooted closer to nestle in his arms.

"That's my job, Kate. Anywhere. Anytime." They spent a moment in wordless communication and he gave her a brief kiss. Then the lovely woman turned over and simply fell asleep in the arms of her knight protector. True to his word, her slumber was peaceful and undisturbed by haunting memories. Once again the rays of the morning sun beat back the darkness like a mere 2 days ago when the trip down memory lane began.

* * *

><p>Richard Castle's happiness was betrayed by the grin that invaded his features upon waking. He opened his eyes and enjoyed a reality better than any fantasy. Kate was awake in his arms and had no hints of regret in her features. "Did you rest well, detective?"<p>

The simple answer was, "Very well." The unspoken assessment was _you really are my guardian in the darkest hours of the night_. Not wanting to see his grin disappear, she added, "Good to know you can be quiet for long periods of time."

"Now you know how to make me." He felt daring and gave her a simple kiss.

She masked her reaction by rolling away from him to get up. What surprised him was the call she made to the precinct telling them she wouldn't be in unless a body dropped. She never explained as she went to get a shower. Castle pulled on his clothes and went to make coffee.

She emerged wearing jeans, a white shirt and black leather jacket. "Do you need to get home to be with Alexis, or can I claim more of your time?"

"Alexis isn't home. I'm all yours." He put so much more meaning into his answer he almost got her to blush. He watched her focus on her coffee. While he hated the burden that led to this morning, Castle loved being with Kate even more than he did Detective Beckett. The cop had inspired best sellers. He could not even imagine how much the woman could inspire him.

Beckett nodded her acceptance at his words but still failed to enlighten him. "Let's go." She grabbed a few things as Castle scrambled for his shoes. He was stunned when she led him to her motorcycle. She put things in her saddlebag and got on the bike. She actually had to glare at him before he forced his body on the machine. She pulled his arms around her and made sure he was holding on tightly. Keeping up the boycott of words, they put helmets on and took off.

Castle was content for time to stop. He had no idea where she was taking them; the symbolic trip through the past was giving way to an actual journey. He was lost in the freedom of hugging Kate in leather, riding her steed and slaying the emotional beasts of the previous day. He came to his senses only when she stopped in a small park on the outskirts of the city. She unwrapped his arms from around her waist, so he took that as a signal to get off.

She ignored him as she grabbed a blanket and book from the saddle bag and headed for a tree. By the time the writer's feet caught up with the woman of action, she was stretched out on the blanket with a book under her head. She waited impatiently for him to join her.

His clairvoyance only went so far. "Is this still part of the plan?"

She watched him closely as she spoke. "After Adam left the psych ward I needed the open air and freedom the bike gave me. The ride over here gives me time to think." She patted the spot next to her and Castle sprawled beside her immediately. "This is a neighborhood park where my mom used to bring me."

"Oh, Kate…" How many heart breaks and burdens can any one human being carry and still be sane? The only one he knew was before him. It was part of what made her extraordinary.

"When I want the catharsis of my mother's death I go to her grave. When I need Mom's love I come here. This is a place from my childhood; a place of innocence and peace." There was a reason 'Katie' chose this place after her resolve was shaken. There was a reason she felt the angel was closer here that Adam alluded to. Being here gave her strength to do a little pushing of her own.

Kate Beckett knew the power she had over the man beside her. If her burdens were a load for her to carry, she wondered if they would crush him. "Rick, you heard a lot of shit yesterday. I know you can deal with gore, but filth is a different beast."

"No one is as strong as you are, so I can understand why you wonder about me. Being a…"

She interrupted, "I'm not trying to impugn your strength and thereby your manhood, I am worried about you." She rested her hand over his heart.

"Being a man-child has its advantages." He reverted from humor to candid honesty. "All darkness is the same to me. I usually write murder mysteries because of the finality of the story, but the point is that I deal with any of it the same way. I write a good ending. They may not all be happy, but they all have a great resolution." He didn't mean to sound cocky, so he elaborated. "I don't need strength because I don't carry my burdens. I let them flow through me and I resolve them through story telling. Because I cope with the darkness I see, I have the ability to share the burdens of another." His words ceased as his eyes took over.

She refused to be sidetracked by those deep blue eyes. "That's fine in the abstract. The reality is different. You may have a playboy past, but there is a double standard when it comes to liaisons and reputations for a woman."

"I'll make you a bet. The terms are you accepting royalties from Heat Rises against full veto of anything in the next manuscript prior to publishing."

"What is this bet I won't be accepting?" The prospect of winning was just as daunting as the responsibility of losing.

"I bet you never once crossed the line morally when you worked vice." He saw from her reaction instantly that he was right. "I've seen you in too many situations to doubt it. You may break rules occasionally, but your ethics can't be corrupted. You where more wild during you rebellious teen years than whatever you did during undercover work in vice." He stared to convince her of his unyielding respect.

Beckett wasn't letting herself off the hook. "Rick, what if this becomes public? It's possible a reporter could bribe someone for my history."

"I'd make sure their legal expenses outweigh any monetary incentive. Besides, Lt. Wang is too protective of her people to let it happen. What you're really worried about is the line blurring between Nikki Heat and Kate Beckett?"

That was an obvious choice for her fears, but it wasn't what had her worried. She shook her head. She dealt with that battle when Heat Wave was released.

He shrugged. "Even if it does happen it doesn't hurt me. Any publicity from your career would be a blip up in sales for me. What are you really asking, detective?"

As skilled as she was as an interrogator, she didn't know how to make him spill it. "You're holding something back. Give it up, Castle." She watched him closely.

He admitted it. After everything she had revealed, it was necessary. "I'm just jealous."

"What?" She was mystified how jealousy played into his fear so deep he was reluctant to admit it.

"You never answered Wang's question about whether you put your extensive knowledge into practice." He looked down at his feet. "I'm envious… Of Josh…That's why you stayed with him for so long. He knew you as a badass cop and you didn't hold back with him."

She laughed at the thought and then explained her mirth. "I was never a cop around Josh. He knew next to nothing about that part of my life. Being in law enforcement is the biggest part of who I am and he didn't care about that part of me."

Castle amended his descriptors. "You wore black leather and rode a Harley with him. You were a bad-ass babe and never held back with him. What woman wouldn't do everything in her power to keep a cardiac surgeon as her boyfriend?"

Her grin was so very genuine. "I'm wearing black leather with you and we just got off my bike. Before your imagination takes flight about Josh's knowledge of anatomy and his big shoe size, you're wrong. I held back. I always hold back. I keep Madison, my friend from high school, carefully away from Lanie. I keep my job away from my dad. I keep my mother's murder away from everyone."

"Except when a certain shadow sneaks behind your back and opens it up. I seem to be demonstrating a pattern of pushing your boundaries and causing you pain." He waited for the grin to disappear and her lips to dissolve into a grimace.

Her lips curved into a full smile. "Like the man-child you admit to being, you're not listening. I'll have to repeat myself: just because I don't like you pushing doesn't mean it isn't good for me. There's only one person in my life who really knows me. I try to hold back from him but eventually he _worms_ his way into everything." Those green eyes looked away, trying to hide, trying to evade.

"First you call me a man-child and now allude to a bookworm. Actually, the larvae of the Death Watch Beetle tunnel through paper only if it is close to wood." His ridiculous banter got her smile to return. He was fine with the huge revelations. It was time to make sure they were fine as partners. Maybe even more…

She forced herself to accept his curiosity, his unspoken sentiments, the strength those broad shoulders offered. She needed to complete the cycle, to end this chapter. "I accused you of opening Pandora's Box when you went snooping."

Castle offered the obvious, "Pandora's Box - while all manner of evil escaped, hope remains, or hopelessness did not prevail." He looked genuinely sorry and started to apologize again.

She stopped him with the light press of a finger to his lips. The simple connection flooded them with feeling. "Let's just say 'hope' and 'happy endings' still have a little power in my life."

Kate continued with an intense look at the man beside her. "I fell back on the tactic that worked for Adam. I lost myself in a _story_." Then she looked away from him. "After all, that strategy worked for me when the darkness of my mother's murder threatened to pull me under. The escape I found in your novels helped pull me through. The bad guys went down and the good guys survived with a few scars. Derrick Storm never let me down." Wordless implication was that the author wouldn't either.

Castle laid his hand gently on her waist. "Truth is stranger than fiction." He asked without asking, "You are famous for not needing anyone."

"Anyone but you…" She murmured the words. Although she valued their nonverbal conversations, she wanted the meaning of this crystal clear. "I am famous for not needing anyone but you." She may not have wanted him in the past but she certainly needed him.

This was explosive territory because the closer he got to her, the greater the potential of screwing it up. Was this another conversation they were **not** going to have? They didn't talk about their near-death experiences, their romantic tensions or their pasts. Okay, maybe the last part was changing. The only reference to the future was a simple little word 'always' which really wasn't so simple. "Where do I fit in?"

She shook her head. She wasn't the wordsmith; she was the woman of actions. His constant observation meant he saw every facial expression. Now was the time to make sure he understood what she was **not **doing. "I'm not pushing you away."

She saw him mentally review the past few days. _"I know who you are. Give me time to recover from Josh and we'll see if we are perfect for each other.… Ali took away my ability to hide from you.… Just because I don't like you pushing my boundaries doesn't mean it isn't good for me…. I am famous for not needing anyone but you.… I'm not pushing you away.…" _Her actions backed it up. He had shared her bed, watching her slumber when she was most vulnerable. He had held her. He had kissed her and now he was helping to heal her. His eyes conveyed understanding of the monumental shift. His grin conveyed the exuberance of the man-child.

Beckett smiled at his understanding but eased things back to her comfort zone. "You have to pay your penance for the part you played in recent events." She handed him her copy of Naked Heat. "Author Richard Castle is going to read to me," she commanded and settled back on the blanket. She knew he stared at her with pure love for a few minutes.

Then he began, the love still pouring through his words: "Nikki Heat pondered red lights and why they seemed to last so much longer when there was no traffic. ..." His voice was soothing and the results were quite effective. She planned on losing herself in the story, but something bigger took over. She lost herself in the man and his unwavering devotion to their relationship. This was the start to a journey down lover's lane. It certainly had the potential to last a lifetime. However long a lifetime was, it was better spent with loved ones. For the first time Kate Beckett found herself thinking of less about horrors in real life and hopeful about the future. It was better than fiction. It was stronger than darkness. Hope prevails.

_Fin._


End file.
